On the other side of heaven

Last week, we experienced a tragedy that no one seems to really understand. I was coming back to the ship with my friend Jen when a Mercy Shipper drove by and told us that we needed to get back to the ship right away and go straight to the ICU! They didn't say why but both of us knew it was O'Brien. He had been struggling since he came into the hospital, even before surgery. But, he had been our little miracle baby, so none of us were prepared for what would happen. Jen had taken care of O'Brien more than I had since she's a PICU nurse and he had most recently been in our ICU. My first thought when our friends frantically told us to get back to the ship was that O'Brien needed a new IV because his old one had gone bad. He was a hard stick and they had struggled to get the last one in. But, we were met with the bad news when we arrived back at the ship...I'll let you read Jen's words on this account since I was more of a bystander in this story:

"Sometimes I just really don’t understand God and how He chooses to work on this earth!

If you look a few blog entries back, you’ll notice one about a beautiful little boy named O’Brien. He was named after an American tennis player that his dad saw play on TV. He had become somewhat of a poster child for those of us here on the ship. We called him our “wonder boy”. And he was! God performed a miracle in his life and no one can take that away.

Last Friday afternoon O’Brien left his tiny diseased body behind and was welcomed home to the loving arms of Jesus! When I first heard, I felt angry and confused! Why would the God that I know to be kind and loving and compassionate take this little one?? And why would God go to the trouble of miraculously saving O’Brien’s life just to let him die a few weeks later? And what about his mama, a beautiful kind-hearted and quiet-spirited young woman; how was she supposed to return home with the lifeless body of her only child in her arms?

I was off-ship when he died. I was walking back to the ship when a Mercy Ships vehicle on it’s way out stopped alongside the road and a fellow nurse told me that I needed to get back to the ICU as soon as possible! No other explanations! I felt a pit form in my stomach and I suddenly had an urgency in my step to get back to the ship as soon as possible!

I walked into the little room where a handful of nurses were gathered around O’Brien and his mom. She was holding him in her arms. Someone had dressed him in a cute little white onezie with yellow chicks on the front and had put a light blue hat on his head. He looked the best I’d ever seen him look! She looked up at me with big, red, tear-filled eyes and I hugged her. I kissed O’Brien’s cold little forehead and cheeks and hugged his mama again, saying a silent prayer as I did. Really, what do you do in a situation like that? There is absolutely nothing natural about a mother watching her baby die. Language barrier or not, there really are no words!

We all spent a few minutes together and then I watched as O’Brien’s mama tenderly wrapped his tiny lifeless body in a cozy blanket. Her eyes were puffy and red and tear-filled. She remained so stoic and steadfast. O’Brien looked so peaceful. Only his tiny brown face was visible, with the imperfections of his bilateral cleft lip still present. She asked if we could all take a photo with O’Brien, something for her to remember us all by. Finally, we made the long walk up and out of the ship, down the gangway to a car awaiting to take O’Brien’s mama and his body back to their home in Benin. I gave O’Brien one last kiss on the forehead and hugged his mama, again silently praying for God’s grace to be sufficient for her! As they drove away, she waved, and I waved back. It felt like a part of my heart had been ripped away.

I still don’t fully understand why God chose to work in the manner He did; I don’t think I ever will and I’m not sure that I’m supposed to. What I do know is this: God gave us O’Brien as a gift for a short while! I am inclined to think that God chose to heal O’Brien the first time for the sake of those of us who would be left here on this earth, not for O’Brien’s sake. We were all witness to the miracle and I know my faith was strengthened! God chose to answer our prayers of healing for O’Brien the second time by taking him home to heaven where he is now perfect and whole, playing happily at the feet of Jesus!

Still, my heart hurts for his mama, at home, mourning the loss of her firstborn son. I continue to wrestle with why this had to happen, but I don't have the answers. I hold onto the truth that all the care and love that O'Brien and his mama received while they were a part of our ship community was not wasted on his mama. That love was not of ourselves, but rather the tangible expression of Christ's love through the hands of doctors and nurses (and many others). My prayer is that this same love will sustain each of us through the incomprehensible and heart-wrenching situations that come our way in this life!

We will miss you O'Brien! We will miss your little grunty cry and we will miss how we had to hold you nearly every minute to keep you from crying. We will miss how your NG tube always turned into an OG tube and your little discolored patches of skin. But most of all, we are glad you are now happy and healthy and loved beyond measure!"

Even though I only had taken care of O'Brien a few times myself, I know that my faith was also strengthened by his story. And while I, like Jen, don't understand why things turned out the way they did, I know that there are answers on the other side of heaven and I choose to trust that our loving Father knows best and is holding little O'Brien in his arms.