Well, it has been a little over two weeks that I've been home now and while that may not seem like a very long time, it seems REALLY long when I'm used to being super busy with work, ministry, and social activities day in and day out....then, suddenly life slows down and I don't have a job to go to every day, fewer social activities, and quieter days. God keeps reminding me that He wants me to "be still and know that He is God."
But to be honest, I have been a little restless...I tell God that I want to be DOING something...week one was ok, week two got harder, and by the time I hit week three, I sort of just hit a wall...I had been in contact with the manager of the department I was hoping to go back to at Phoenix Children's and then suddenly there was silence...a whole week of silence...I started to question why God had brought me home, where he wanted me, and why nothing was happening....You're probably thinking "But it hasn't even been three weeks yet...just wait!" But, I have realized even more through this that waiting is a huge challenge for me...
Over the last few weeks, one verse keeps coming back to me: "They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)...It seems like I haven't been able to get away from this verse...I've come across it in devotional readings, heard it on the radio, and even had someone pray that verse over my life at church...By that time, I was saying "Ok, God, I get the point...I need to wait." He also really struck me with Isaiah 64:4 "No eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for Him."
So, I have to admit, I'm not so good at waiting (if you haven't already noticed)...But, even in the waiting, I know that God has good things in store for me...I was talking to a good friend about the job situation and how I was frustrated being home but not being able to work. Then, he gently pointed out the possibility that maybe I was struggling with it so much because I had been finding my worth in my work...it wasn't easy to admit, but I realized that he was right...that was a big part of the problem. It's easy to feel valuable when you're serving in Africa, helping kids walk for the first time, removing tumors that have brought years of pain and criticism, and seeing shame turn to joy...it's easy to feel like you have a purpose when you're part of changing people's lives. But my worth isn't found in what I do...it's in who I am in Christ and what He's already done!
I realize now that even though God has placed a call on my life to be a part of such an incredible ministry, his purpose for me coming home for these three months is not about fitting back into society, having a job, being "successful" by my own terms or by the standards of the world...but, God's purpose for me is to know Him more and to become more like Him...his ultimate goal is for my sanctification. And if that means teaching me to wait on him for a job in order to build my faith a little stronger and give me the opportunity to develop a little more patience, then that's what He's gonna do...
God has often used music in my life to speak to me...and as I was thinking about God's desire to sanctify me and conform me into His image, I began to find that my focus moved from me and my problems to Him and His power...one of my new favorite songs says "Why should I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need" (Your love is strong by Jon Foreman)....and I realized "Yes, God does know what I need and He's already taking care of it...so quit freaking out, Becca."
When we're focused on our circumstances, it's so easy to lose sight of the One who sees our past, present, and future...it's easy to act like we're in control of our lives...we get weighed down by our problems and think that it's up to us to figure things out. But, when we realize how small we are and how big God really is, it is so humbling...God reminded me of how powerful He is through the lyrics of a Christian songwriter: "I guess I thought that I had figured You out...Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees. What do I know of You, who spoke me into motion...what do I know of holy? (song by Addison Road).
How is that I think I know better than the God of the universe...that my time table is better than his...am I really that proud to tell God that I'm right and He's wrong and that He needs to fit things into my will...sometimes I come to God like a whiny child, telling him what I want and when I want it...only to find out that His plans are better than mine and He knows best...
Needless to say, God humbled me and showed me that just as he has come through for me in the past, He will come through for me this time, in his own way and his own time. He wanted me to rest during this time...not just physically and emotionally, but to rest spiritually...to rest in Him, knowing that He is a good God who loves me and will take care of me...
So, I stopped whining and worrying and instead found myself resting and trusting...And what do you know? Today I got a call from Phoenix Children's Hospital that my temporary position was approved and I should be able to start working as soon as next week! That was such exciting news to hear, but I wasn't actually too surprised when my boss told me...something just told me that God was gonna come through for me on that one :) I'm not saying that God rewarded me for being patient because clearly, I was not too patient. I'm not saying that God gave me the job because I deserve it, because, like all of the good things He gives me, I don't deserve it. But, he blessed me because He is a good and faithful Father who delights in giving good things to His children...and the more I experience that in my own life, the more I learn to trust Him...because, just like He promised, He always comes through for us!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Home
"Surprise! I'm home!" That was one of the phrases I used the most over the past week...I found out back in June that Mercy Ships was going to let the nurses go home during the ship's generator project in South Africa since the hospital was going to be closed and they weren't going to be needing us for the eye and dental teams (which is what they originally thought they could use the nurses for in SA, but they ended up having enough people without us)....that meant that I would have 3 1/2 months to go home, see family and friends, and get ready for the next year in Sierra Leone (I'm going back in January for the whole outreach).
So, I decided back in June that I'd just come home and surprise everyone...after all, who doesn't love surprises! I only told my sister Joy, who picked me up from the airport last friday when I flew in...we had devised a plan together to have her birthday party the day after I came home so that we could just show up at my parent's house together and surprise all my family at the same time!
Friday, as my plane came into Phoenix, it was very surreal to look at the window and realize that I was home. I was so excited that I could barely stay in my seat...but at the same time, there was a part of me that was fearful for the unknown...I was here, but I wasn't sure what the next 3 1/2 months would hold...
The surprise went well (although it ended up being 3 or 4 separate surprises because of course everyone in my family showed up at different times! :)...there were lots of hugs, a few tears (mostly from my mom...I had a feeling she'd be happy to see me :) and of course a few looks of shock and confusion...one of my favorite moments was when my nephew walked in and saw me, came straight into my arms, started stroking my hair and then held my face and said "I knew you'd come back"...."Of course I came back sweetie," I told him...but then, I guess 8 months seems like an eternity to a 3-year old who can't grasp the concept that he can't ride his bike to Africa to come visit (although he did tell me at one point that he was going to do that!)
I had a great time with my family that day, followed by more fun surprises at church on Sunday night when I just walked in and saw lots of old friends, most of whom had no idea that I was going to be there...it was a fun reunion!
So, it's been a little over a week now that I've been back and while it's been great to see friends and family, there has been a mixture of emotions that have gone through me during this time....I really didn't experience the typical "culture shock" that you expect to have coming back from Africa...I experienced that in South Africa, where I stared in awe at the nice cars, big shopping malls, and all the white people...so, being in a more "westernized" culture in South Africa for a few weeks before coming back helped me transition in that sense...
But, on the other hand, it's always strange to come to a place that you call "home" and find that it isn't quite the way you left it...I know I expected myself to change in Africa, but I guess I didn't really think too much about all the changes that would happen at home...of course, I knew that it wouldn't be exactly the same, but it just kind of hit me all at once...all the new faces at church (I've been going here for 5 years and I don't know half the people anymore!), friends are engaged, married, pregnant, etc....groups of friends have changed, people have changed, families have grown, friends have moved, and my favorite worship leader doesn't sing at my 11am service anymore! I have no idea what people are talking about when they refer to the latest movies, songs, and local news...everything that once seemed so familiar has all of a sudden become a bit foreign and I find myself a little lost in the mix of it all...
You always think that coming "home" will bring a sense of familiarity and comfort, which it has...but, at the same time, there are days that I just want to curl up in my bunk bed and be rocked to sleep by the gentle movement of the ship...or go down the hall and knock on a friend's door and hang out, play games in our mid-ships lounge, tie a crying black baby on my back, or take a ride on a zimi through the dirty, crowded city streets...to me, that crazy, foreign life became familiar and comfortable in Togo...and while there are definitely certain aspects that I don't miss, I do feel like I left a part of my heart in Africa with my "Mercy Ships family" who are still there, my Togolese friends and patients, and inside my big white metal box that I have called "home" for the last 8 months...
Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be back in Arizona...It's been great to see my family and friends and I have been blown away by how supportive and receptive people have been in letting me share about my experiences in Africa...it has been so encouraging to have so many people who genuinely care about what Africa was like, what I was doing on the ship, experiences I had, etc....even people I barely know! That has really helped me to process things a little more and adjust to being back...It has been really great to hear all the "new" songs on the radio (we couldn't download music in Africa), jump in the car and drive (I REALLY missed driving!), and have freedom to go wherever whenever again (and I don't even have to scan out when I leave home ha ha).
But, when you are really busy working and helping people, developing deep relationships with friends (the same ones you live with, work with, travel with, and hang out with almost 24/7), and you are a part of something that is life-changing for others, it is easy to feel purpose and direction in your life...I think the best word to describe the last 8 months of my life would be: full. It has been so fulfilling serving God, seeing lives changed, and developing so many deep relationships with some really amazing people from all over the world.
So, over the last week I've been asking God to show me my purpose in being home...What is it he wants me to do? What is it He wants to teach me? How does He want to use me? I feel like I'm just waiting right now...waiting on a job (things are looking hopeful, but still up in the air with my old hospital), waiting for the next step, waiting to hear His voice...but, then, God reminded me through His word this week that "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength" (Isaiah 40:31) I think that waiting is actually much harder than doing...I tell God "I'd rather be busy serving than just waiting around for something, Lord"...but, as hard as it may be, I had a friend remind me that "He makes me lie down" (Psalm 23) for a reason...So, for now, I'm waiting on the Lord, allowing Him to refresh my soul, and trusting Him to bring purpose to this short season of my life before I go back to Africa...I know He has a purpose...He always does...and in His time, I know that He'll make it known to me and I'll look back and see that this season of my life has been just as full as the last.
So, I decided back in June that I'd just come home and surprise everyone...after all, who doesn't love surprises! I only told my sister Joy, who picked me up from the airport last friday when I flew in...we had devised a plan together to have her birthday party the day after I came home so that we could just show up at my parent's house together and surprise all my family at the same time!
Friday, as my plane came into Phoenix, it was very surreal to look at the window and realize that I was home. I was so excited that I could barely stay in my seat...but at the same time, there was a part of me that was fearful for the unknown...I was here, but I wasn't sure what the next 3 1/2 months would hold...
The surprise went well (although it ended up being 3 or 4 separate surprises because of course everyone in my family showed up at different times! :)...there were lots of hugs, a few tears (mostly from my mom...I had a feeling she'd be happy to see me :) and of course a few looks of shock and confusion...one of my favorite moments was when my nephew walked in and saw me, came straight into my arms, started stroking my hair and then held my face and said "I knew you'd come back"...."Of course I came back sweetie," I told him...but then, I guess 8 months seems like an eternity to a 3-year old who can't grasp the concept that he can't ride his bike to Africa to come visit (although he did tell me at one point that he was going to do that!)
I had a great time with my family that day, followed by more fun surprises at church on Sunday night when I just walked in and saw lots of old friends, most of whom had no idea that I was going to be there...it was a fun reunion!
So, it's been a little over a week now that I've been back and while it's been great to see friends and family, there has been a mixture of emotions that have gone through me during this time....I really didn't experience the typical "culture shock" that you expect to have coming back from Africa...I experienced that in South Africa, where I stared in awe at the nice cars, big shopping malls, and all the white people...so, being in a more "westernized" culture in South Africa for a few weeks before coming back helped me transition in that sense...
But, on the other hand, it's always strange to come to a place that you call "home" and find that it isn't quite the way you left it...I know I expected myself to change in Africa, but I guess I didn't really think too much about all the changes that would happen at home...of course, I knew that it wouldn't be exactly the same, but it just kind of hit me all at once...all the new faces at church (I've been going here for 5 years and I don't know half the people anymore!), friends are engaged, married, pregnant, etc....groups of friends have changed, people have changed, families have grown, friends have moved, and my favorite worship leader doesn't sing at my 11am service anymore! I have no idea what people are talking about when they refer to the latest movies, songs, and local news...everything that once seemed so familiar has all of a sudden become a bit foreign and I find myself a little lost in the mix of it all...
You always think that coming "home" will bring a sense of familiarity and comfort, which it has...but, at the same time, there are days that I just want to curl up in my bunk bed and be rocked to sleep by the gentle movement of the ship...or go down the hall and knock on a friend's door and hang out, play games in our mid-ships lounge, tie a crying black baby on my back, or take a ride on a zimi through the dirty, crowded city streets...to me, that crazy, foreign life became familiar and comfortable in Togo...and while there are definitely certain aspects that I don't miss, I do feel like I left a part of my heart in Africa with my "Mercy Ships family" who are still there, my Togolese friends and patients, and inside my big white metal box that I have called "home" for the last 8 months...
Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be back in Arizona...It's been great to see my family and friends and I have been blown away by how supportive and receptive people have been in letting me share about my experiences in Africa...it has been so encouraging to have so many people who genuinely care about what Africa was like, what I was doing on the ship, experiences I had, etc....even people I barely know! That has really helped me to process things a little more and adjust to being back...It has been really great to hear all the "new" songs on the radio (we couldn't download music in Africa), jump in the car and drive (I REALLY missed driving!), and have freedom to go wherever whenever again (and I don't even have to scan out when I leave home ha ha).
But, when you are really busy working and helping people, developing deep relationships with friends (the same ones you live with, work with, travel with, and hang out with almost 24/7), and you are a part of something that is life-changing for others, it is easy to feel purpose and direction in your life...I think the best word to describe the last 8 months of my life would be: full. It has been so fulfilling serving God, seeing lives changed, and developing so many deep relationships with some really amazing people from all over the world.
So, over the last week I've been asking God to show me my purpose in being home...What is it he wants me to do? What is it He wants to teach me? How does He want to use me? I feel like I'm just waiting right now...waiting on a job (things are looking hopeful, but still up in the air with my old hospital), waiting for the next step, waiting to hear His voice...but, then, God reminded me through His word this week that "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength" (Isaiah 40:31) I think that waiting is actually much harder than doing...I tell God "I'd rather be busy serving than just waiting around for something, Lord"...but, as hard as it may be, I had a friend remind me that "He makes me lie down" (Psalm 23) for a reason...So, for now, I'm waiting on the Lord, allowing Him to refresh my soul, and trusting Him to bring purpose to this short season of my life before I go back to Africa...I know He has a purpose...He always does...and in His time, I know that He'll make it known to me and I'll look back and see that this season of my life has been just as full as the last.
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