Well, it has been a little over two weeks that I've been home now and while that may not seem like a very long time, it seems REALLY long when I'm used to being super busy with work, ministry, and social activities day in and day out....then, suddenly life slows down and I don't have a job to go to every day, fewer social activities, and quieter days. God keeps reminding me that He wants me to "be still and know that He is God."
But to be honest, I have been a little restless...I tell God that I want to be DOING something...week one was ok, week two got harder, and by the time I hit week three, I sort of just hit a wall...I had been in contact with the manager of the department I was hoping to go back to at Phoenix Children's and then suddenly there was silence...a whole week of silence...I started to question why God had brought me home, where he wanted me, and why nothing was happening....You're probably thinking "But it hasn't even been three weeks yet...just wait!" But, I have realized even more through this that waiting is a huge challenge for me...
Over the last few weeks, one verse keeps coming back to me: "They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)...It seems like I haven't been able to get away from this verse...I've come across it in devotional readings, heard it on the radio, and even had someone pray that verse over my life at church...By that time, I was saying "Ok, God, I get the point...I need to wait." He also really struck me with Isaiah 64:4 "No eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for Him."
So, I have to admit, I'm not so good at waiting (if you haven't already noticed)...But, even in the waiting, I know that God has good things in store for me...I was talking to a good friend about the job situation and how I was frustrated being home but not being able to work. Then, he gently pointed out the possibility that maybe I was struggling with it so much because I had been finding my worth in my work...it wasn't easy to admit, but I realized that he was right...that was a big part of the problem. It's easy to feel valuable when you're serving in Africa, helping kids walk for the first time, removing tumors that have brought years of pain and criticism, and seeing shame turn to joy...it's easy to feel like you have a purpose when you're part of changing people's lives. But my worth isn't found in what I do...it's in who I am in Christ and what He's already done!
I realize now that even though God has placed a call on my life to be a part of such an incredible ministry, his purpose for me coming home for these three months is not about fitting back into society, having a job, being "successful" by my own terms or by the standards of the world...but, God's purpose for me is to know Him more and to become more like Him...his ultimate goal is for my sanctification. And if that means teaching me to wait on him for a job in order to build my faith a little stronger and give me the opportunity to develop a little more patience, then that's what He's gonna do...
God has often used music in my life to speak to me...and as I was thinking about God's desire to sanctify me and conform me into His image, I began to find that my focus moved from me and my problems to Him and His power...one of my new favorite songs says "Why should I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need" (Your love is strong by Jon Foreman)....and I realized "Yes, God does know what I need and He's already taking care of it...so quit freaking out, Becca."
When we're focused on our circumstances, it's so easy to lose sight of the One who sees our past, present, and future...it's easy to act like we're in control of our lives...we get weighed down by our problems and think that it's up to us to figure things out. But, when we realize how small we are and how big God really is, it is so humbling...God reminded me of how powerful He is through the lyrics of a Christian songwriter: "I guess I thought that I had figured You out...Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be. The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees. What do I know of You, who spoke me into motion...what do I know of holy? (song by Addison Road).
How is that I think I know better than the God of the universe...that my time table is better than his...am I really that proud to tell God that I'm right and He's wrong and that He needs to fit things into my will...sometimes I come to God like a whiny child, telling him what I want and when I want it...only to find out that His plans are better than mine and He knows best...
Needless to say, God humbled me and showed me that just as he has come through for me in the past, He will come through for me this time, in his own way and his own time. He wanted me to rest during this time...not just physically and emotionally, but to rest spiritually...to rest in Him, knowing that He is a good God who loves me and will take care of me...
So, I stopped whining and worrying and instead found myself resting and trusting...And what do you know? Today I got a call from Phoenix Children's Hospital that my temporary position was approved and I should be able to start working as soon as next week! That was such exciting news to hear, but I wasn't actually too surprised when my boss told me...something just told me that God was gonna come through for me on that one :) I'm not saying that God rewarded me for being patient because clearly, I was not too patient. I'm not saying that God gave me the job because I deserve it, because, like all of the good things He gives me, I don't deserve it. But, he blessed me because He is a good and faithful Father who delights in giving good things to His children...and the more I experience that in my own life, the more I learn to trust Him...because, just like He promised, He always comes through for us!
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