One last time

"What? You're done with Mercy Ships...for good???" These are the words I have heard over and over again from friends and family over the last few weeks. I have been trying to process how to share my journey in coming to this decision and reflecting on what God has done in my life over the last few months and I think I'm finally ready. So get comfortable and pour yourself a cup of tea...this is my story:

It all began at the beginning of this past summer. The Guinea outreach came to an end and I was preparing to go to Zambia with some friends from my church back home. I wasn't sure what exactly was going on inside me, but something in my spirit that had become restless, dissatisfied, and hungry to experience more of God's presence and power. I shared this with a good friend of mine before I met up with her in Zambia. Below is an excerpt from the words in my email:

"Uncomfortable. That is the best way to describe how I feel right now...not because things are bad on the ship...things are going well here. But, over the last week or so, I've felt like God has been challenging me. My former roommate, Deb, just came back from working at a bush hospital in Sierra Leone and all of her stories about the children dying every day from various illnesses like cerebral malaria or malnutrition have really weighed heavy on my heart. On top of that, I've been reading a book called 'The Irresistible Revolution' and have been challenged about actually living out what Jesus says instead of just taking the bits from the Bible that I actually want to do and leaving out the rest. I am starting to get uncomfortable as I realize that God hasn't called me to an easy Christian life...even as a missionary on a ship in Africa. I feel like God is birthing some sort of revolution inside of me! I am so grateful to be a part of this ministry with Mercy Ships and I have seen so many lives changed...but what about actually working in Africa? I've been working next to Africa for the last few years and I just feel like my life on the ship has become too comfortable...like God is calling me to something bigger. I'm not sure what that looks like yet, but I know that He will show me in His time. 
 
For now, I'm trying to be faithful where He has me...we have one more week until we sail and then I'll be with you guys in Zambia...and I can't wait! I know that God is going to stretch us all in new ways, open our eyes to His power and show us that miracles still really do happen. And I think there will be transformation not only in the people we meet and share Jesus with, but also in ourselves, as we realize that God is still at work today, that Jesus meant it when he said that we'd do even greater things than He did, and that when we search for Him, we'll find him." 

On my flight to Zambia, I spent some time praying about God's will for my life and my involvement in Mercy Ships. I was making plans to come back the following spring when I felt a tender tug on my heart, a gentle whisper from the Lord. "Are you coming back because I told you to come back or for your own selfish motives?" I sat in stunned silence. Why wouldn't God want me to come back? I was serving Him and making an impact on people's lives...that couldn't be a bad thing, could it? But the more I thought about it, the more I felt convicted. I hadn't gotten clear direction from God to go back to Mercy Ships after Congo, yet I was already making plans for my next trip. I had to stop and evaluate my motives. Was I going back because it was familiar...maybe even comfortable? Did I just want to see friends and have my "Africa fix" again? Or was I going back because I knew it was where God wanted me to be? I sensed I knew the answer, but decided I would continue to pray about it during my trip to Zambia and see where He led me.

God did stretch me in new ways in Zambia and opened my eyes to see His power on a level I had never experienced before! I was a part of spiritual warfare in very intense ways and saw miracles happen right in front of me as people were healed in the name of Jesus. I was forced out of my comfort zone as I was given the opportunity to preach and began to speak with boldness as I shared Jesus. I saw healing, deliverance, and rebirth in the lives of so many people that we encountered. God was working in these villages in a very tangible way and we got to be a part of all He was doing! 

In the midst of all the amazing transformation we saw in the lives of the Zambian people, I realized that God was doing exactly what I had expected Him to do...He was transforming me! I could no longer settle for mediocre Christianity or living in my comfort zone...even on a ship in Africa. God had shown me a glimpse of His amazing power and relentless love and I would be forever changed. At the same time, God kept speaking to me about how He was doing a new thing in my life...through verses I read in my devotions, prayers that others prayed for me, and through the words of a pastor who worked in Zambia. 

As we sat around the fire one night, a man who I barely knew looked straight at me and said "God has placed a calling on your life. You're not going to be doing what you originally thought you would. He is going to use you in ways that you never even imagined possible." I will never forget those words. Usually I would be very skeptical of a message like that coming from someone I didn't even know. But it was as if God himself had spoken directly to my soul. I knew it was from Him and I was excited to see what He had in store! 

When I got back to the ship, that restless, uncomfortable feeling was still there. I knew that God was using me on the ship, but I also knew that He had called me to go beyond what was easy and comfortable for me. I could sense that I had changed: my priorities, my desires, my understanding of what missions was supposed to look like, even my worldview. At the same time, there were some changes going on within Mercy Ships as well. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn't the best fit for me anymore. But the thought of leaving for good was painful to think about. When I had first come to the ship, I had taken a huge step of faith, left home, and come to a place that was completely out of my comfort zone. But now stepping out of my comfort zone actually meant leaving the ship, letting go, and saying goodbye. It meant leaving the place that felt most like "home" for me over the last three years. But I knew God was leading me and that He would go with me every step of the way. 

 As I prepared for my transition back to the States, a friend shared a quote with me that seemed so fitting: "You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price of loving and knowing people in more than one place” (Miriam Adeney). I couldn't agree more. 

I am so grateful for all God has done in my life during my time with Mercy Ships. I have worked with some of the most amazing people I have ever known, experienced what it means to live in community with other believers on an everyday basis, and I have grown in my understanding of missions and the African culture. I have seen hearts softened, hearts restored, and lives changed. I've had the privilege of walking through life with close friends from all over the world, learned to speak non-American English (which many of my friends tell me is the proper way to speak), and have made so many incredible memories which I will cherish forever. But, most importantly, I have learned to hear God's voice more clearly and to seek Him even when life is noisy and distracting. I pray that He has been pleased with the work that I have done and that someday in heaven there will be a line of people waiting to tell me how God used me to impact their lives for eternity. More than anything, I want to hear Him say those words "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

So while this has been a wonderful season, I realize that God is now moving me into a new season in my life. I wish that I could tell you exactly what that looks like, but I honestly don't really know yet. I only know that it's okay when I don't have it all figured out because it causes me to depend on the Lord and wait on Him to lead me. So for now, I'm trying to be faithful right where He has me and trusting Him to do far beyond what I could ever imagine. I know He's got something amazing for me up His sleeve...He always does! 

"I could just sit, I could just sit and waitFor all Your goodness, hope to feel Your presence

I could just stay, I could just stay right where I amAnd hope to feel You, hope to feel something again

I could hold on, I could hold on to who I amAnd never let You change me from the inside

I could be safe, I could be safe here in Your armsAnd never leave home, never let these walls down

But You have called me higher, You have called me deeperI’ll go where You lead me Lord

I will be Yours, I will be Yours for all my lifeSo let Your mercy light the path before me"
-Lyrics by All Sons & Daughters